Like Ice

God, it’s happened somehow. I used to be cold. I used to be ruthless. I used to be fearless and self destructive, because I could not speak. I couldn’t speak what I was thinking so instead I painted lines in my skin with a blade and I used to scoff at the idea of love and beauty and now I am drowning in both of them. I look at you and I see me five years ago, facing a boy who is me at present, whispering I love you three weeks in because we know how to articulate it, we know how to feel it quickly, eagerly, without abandon, the boy from my past and present me, facing you presently and me five years ago. And you and past me stare and squint and can’t comprehend the slide into delusion– how did it happen to you so quickly? how can you be sure? Do not tell me this, I am not ready to hear it, we say.

I used to be self destructive. These past three days I ate only lunch and today my belt buckled one notch tighter and I felt surprised and proud and I thought, that’s what starving yourself does.

Can I be cold again? Would I want to? Can I go back to that dark place and shut out the sunlight that knocks politely on my door and rip my skin open with a knife and hide the scars? Hiding is half the fun, it makes you hide your personality, too. Smile. Careful.

I have a dream where every cut I ever made opens and the blood comes heavier than ever and it makes me think yes, how do I get there, how to I get to the place where my skin is permanently stained with blood that should be locked under my skin, not on it, drying in the air, how do I get to the place that makes me feel out of control reckless dangerous someone who needs help but could never ask for it?

I might be there. I might lose the love and beauty and I might become cold again. My heart will be ice and my lungs will freeze and my blood will slow and it will be good, because you and I will be okay, staring at each other laying on the bed knowing nothing more will ever happen between us. I will be okay because I won’t feel it, I will feel my blood stinging as it meets the air and that’s all I will need to feel.
That’s what you do to me.

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