Nightmare

I had a bad dream.

It featured my mother, myself, and my roommates. Two of them were missing, somewhere in Ruggles. The three of us–Mom, me, and Cassidy, I think–entered Ruggles. The t was packed. I tried texting them, but my phone screen wouldn’t clear. I suggested giving up, even though I was sick at the idea of having cost each of us precious money.

A homeless man had walked by while we were debating, and I got the feeling of missing something, but not knowing what. And then a t security officer takes a bag away from him and gives it back to my mother. As the homeless man–the pickpocket–makes another pass at us, I realize I have to watch my purse and make sure he doesn’t try to take it.

And then I feel his fingers in my jeans pocket, twisting away from me. When I grab his hand, I find my ID in his hand, and a wad of cash halfway out of my pocket.

 

The point isn’t the dream. It’s the feelings afterward.

I never remember my dreams (that’s not true. I usually don’t remember, and if I do it’s only because they’re so realistic to the point of me thinking it actually happened, which is what happened here). The feeling left me gritty. Dirty.

Laying in the dark made me feel unsafe.

In a pool of light in the living room, I contemplated the dream.

It was real, to an extent. Cassidy’s face was blurry, and we never found Lizzy or Becca. I’m not even sure if I have them right. Maybe I was with Becca and it was Lizzy and Cassidy who were lost? I know I was focused on finding Lizzy, because I thought I would recognize her first (probably false, Becca and Cassidy have their own very distinct looks). My phone would never not show me their texts, or have the application freeze/scrambled. A stealing man would not be that blase about being caught–and the officer never would have just given the bag back to my mom, he would have arrested the guy or something. A stealing man wouldn’t then try again on me.

I felt a lot of things after the dream, though, inspired by events earlier today. Fear, certainly. Guilt. Outrage and a knowledge that this man could harm me. Fear for my mom, for putting her in this situation. And then it sets in that my mom’s in San Francisco, celebrating her birthday without me. And I feel homesick. So, so, so homesick. That’s all I feel now.

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